========================================================July Jokes
   A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.  The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
  "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
   The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
   Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um...no." 
   "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"  The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. " . . . or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
   The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea . . ."
   "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

This psychiatrist walks into his waiting room and sees two men.  One is hanging upside down from the ceiling.  The other is sawing an imaginary piece of wood. The doctor approaches the man who is sawing and asks him what he is doing.
"I'm sawing wood," the man replies. 
"And what's your friend doing?" the doctor asks.
"Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb."
"Well, don't you think you should tell him to get down?  The blood is rushing to his head."
"What, and work in the dark?"
                                                                                           

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.  The frog happened into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.  One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy to do so."
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:  "I don't think so!!"

What DO they want?
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

I got the best answering mahine message the other day:

"Hello, we're probably at home - just avoiding someone that we don't like.
Leave your name and number at the tone.  If we don't call you back, it's
probably you.     beeeeeeeeep"

 My wife won't let me do this, but I would love to have the outbound
message on our answering machine say in essence, " ... if you want to
leave a personal message, please begin speaking after the tone.  If you
wish to sell something, please leave your message before the tone.
Thanks."?

I get a lot of good comments on my answering machine message which goes like
this:
"Hi, either we are unavailable to come to the phone, or we have been
raptured.  So if you leave a message and we don't call you back you may be
in big trouble."

Three Little Words
Besides "I love you," what three words does a wife want to hear most?
"I'll fix it."

Sea Change
A fishing pal said to his buddy, "It seems that when you start talking about the fish you caught, the size changes depending on who you are talking to. How come?"
"Well," said the friend, "I never like to tell someone more than I think they'll ever believe."

JOKE OF THE DAY: 60 WORDS PER MINUTE
"So tell me, Ms. Harris," the interviewer asked, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Actually yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and finished a novel."
"Very impressive," he commented, "But I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
The applicant explained brightly, "Oh. that was during office hours."

WISHFUL THINKING
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
 Little old lady to dog owner: "Is that your German Shepherd outside?"
 "Yeah, so what?"
"Well, my cat just killed it."
"Ha, how could your cat kill my dog?"
"It got stuck in his throat."

Did you hear that Anheuser-Busch has taken over the Red Cross' public relations?
Their new slogan is "This Blood's For You!!

MEAN STREAK
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon!"

SHOW ME THE MONEY
A man walking to work up Sixth Avenue stops to watch a mime perform. He's pretending to be trapped in a box. The man stands there a while, watching the mime's performance. When it's over, the mime motions to the crowd that has gathered that they should put some money in the little hat on the sidewalk. So the man goes over and pretends to put in a dollar bill ...